Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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