Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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