What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
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There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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