If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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