A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
