Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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