You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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