you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
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I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
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The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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