cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
