What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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