if you like me you must not know who I am
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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