Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
