dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
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He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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