he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
