did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
