i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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