I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
