Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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