Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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