Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
