I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
