well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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