woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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