There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
