He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
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and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
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That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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