what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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