so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
