So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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