Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
