I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Randomize
