its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
