even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
