come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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