I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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