So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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