If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
