just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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