Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
We're too hungover to prance.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
