Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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