We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
