It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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