JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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