angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
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Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
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my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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