Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
