Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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