If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
