I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
