Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I made him laugh his dick is mine
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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