There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
