I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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