I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
