4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
