Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
