All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
