kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
