So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
We just shotgunned beers for America
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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