Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
