I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
