Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
