I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
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I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
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How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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