I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
