Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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