Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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